So far so good!

Saturday will be a day for celebrating! It will mark my husband's 30 day mark of sobriety. I think he is pretty excited about it.

He is planning on going to an AA meeting that is supposed to be wonderful. There will be anywhere from 100-150 people there, and the speakers are supposed to be very inspiring. If it is similar to other AA meetings, he will get a 30 day coin. He said something last night that gave me more hope than almost anything he has said so far. "I will get my 30 day coin on Saturday at that meeting. I am going to have to get a piggy bank."

In the past when he has tried to quit drinking or slow down his drinking, he has always looked forward to his next celebration: Football, a raise, a picnic. And very quickly it would turn into a daily thing again. "I like the taste of beer." "I slept horrible last night, I need a 'few' beers to help me sleep tonight." Then he didn't offer excuses anymore. It was just who he was.

I didn't understand at the time that addiction is a disease. I would retreat into myself and wonder what was so bad about the kids and me that made him want to mentally take a vacation from us every night. I would try to make sure the house was spotless each night when he got home from work. Then I went in the other direction; I started to do nothing around the house in hopes that I might get a reaction out of him. That didn't work either. I am excited that he has finally gotten help for his disease.

I read a quote today that I thought was very fitting: "It's not your FAULT that you have developed depression or addiction or whatever else is trying to steal your life away. But it is your RESPONSIBILITY to save yourself. And you CAN!" Blaming him for his addiction or calling him weak because of it is the same as blaming someone for getting cancer. I feel terrible for degrading him and blaming him all of these years. I recently learned that when you get mad, it is really because you are scared. I thought about that for awhile and cannot think of a single example that disproves that. I have been scared that his addiction would take his life, I have been scared that his addiction would scar our children, I have been scared that his addiction would be forever.

We are reading a book called "You Can't Make Me Angry" by Dr. Paul O. I would suggest this book for anyone in recovery, anyone thinking about going into recovery and the spouses of these people. I got it off of Amazon.com for $10. This book will help you to own your feelings and not blame others.

Anyway, while I am excited for my husband to hit his 30 days, I am excited for day 28 and 29 also. I need to stop looking into the future and remember to take it "one day at a time."

Hi, my name is Danielle and my husband is an alcoholic. He has been drinking heavily for about the last 6 years. By heavy, I mean that he has been drinking 12-18 beers on a daily basis. I have made excushttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifes to make it seem okay: "At least he drinks at home and isn't at the bar." "He gets up and goes to work everyday." "He doesn't get physical with me or the kids." When the kids would ask why he wasn't at one of their functions, I would lie and say he wasn't feeling well.

Over the past year, I stopped making excuses. If the kids asked, I was honest. I was tired of covering up. I still loved him, but I wasn't "in love" anymore. The way he looked when he was passed out drunk made me want to vomit. The thought of having sex with him, disgusted me to the core. We had an incident in our home on Christmas and that was the last straw. I had threatened before, but I never really meant it. This time I did. The next morning when he was sober enough to listen to me I said, "You will check yourself into treatment by Friday or you will find a new place to live by Friday." For once, I didn't yell, I didn't cry, I didn't try to degrade him. I said it in a very calm, controlled voice, and I walked away.

Apparently he knew I meant it! He called me later that day and asked for the phone number to a local business that runs and i-patient program. He was signed up and living there by my deadline. He originally planned on doing a 10-day treatment, but 3 days in he decided to extend to the 21-day plan. At about day 18 he decided he wanted to continue after his in-patient program with day treatment. I don't think I have ever been so proud of him than I am at this moment. He is truly working his program. He is following the twelve step model and is eve interesting in going to church.

He is supposed to graduate from the in-patient portion of his program tomorrow. This event fills me with mixed emotions. I am so super excited that he will be home. I am excited to start our life fresh. I am excited to build our relationship, because we have started to flirt again. I am excited to watch his relationship with the kids bloom. I am scared that once the safety net of his in-patient program is gone, he will drink again. I am worried that his tools to stay sober won't be strong enough when something triggers him.

I have learned that I am not the one who made him drink and I cannot keep him from drinking in the future. I have learned that I need to own my emotions and that nothing he does ca make me mad; I choose that feeling. I will start attending Alanon meetings, and read ay literature I can get my hands on about Codependency and how to break the cycle. His disease has become my disease; we both have lots of healing to do and we will take it one day at a time.