I got a couple of e-mails a little while ago that left me in tears. It is silly because either of them are really changing my life at all. Neither are causing my family any harm, but they are just disappointing me. When I was trying to relay the information to my husband, I just burst out in tears. He asked if I wanted a hug; I told him that I would take a hug, but that a Xanax would be much more effective!
For the past couple of weeks I have bee feeling the dark, strong fingers of depression trying to claw their way in, trying to bring me down to their deep, black hole of bitterness, and despair. Depression is a disease that I have struggled with for about 10 years now. Depression is something that I will face for my entire life. I take a strict regimen of medication to keep me balanced and functioning. Sometimes though, the depression is stronger than the medication and I have to fight to keep myself on an even keel. So, since I have bee fighting to keep my head above water for the past few weeks, when things happen that I let agitate me, it is not a good or healthy thing.
Accepting Life on Life's terms is a very hard thing for me to do. I tend to be a bit of a control freak. I like to be in control of everything and how everything happens. It has always been important to me that life happens when I want it to happen.
I found out today that the closing date on the home we are purchasing has to get extended out three weeks. One would think that I would take that for what it is because I use to be a Realtor. I know that this happens, and I know it can happen for a variety of reasons. However, it is making me crazy that it is happening to me! In the grand scheme of things, it is not going to be a big deal at all. In the short term, it still isn't a big deal. However, it changes my timeline, and I don't do well with that!
This set-back really isn't something that I can't handle. I simply need to make a few phone calls about moving dates. But still, it makes me want to pull my hair out!!
I want people to take what I say at face value; I hate to be questioned! I hate to be called out on something that I do, especially because I am a darn good person, and never do anything that would deliberately hurt or disappoint someone. Besides my husband, there are three other people that I co-parent with between my son and my step-son.
Usually things run very smoothly between my ex-husband and his wife and I. We are all very mature about co-parenting, have gotten over our differences, and put our son first in everything we do. I felt like I got verbally attacked today by one of the people I co-parent with via e-mail. I responded in the same way that I felt like she wrote to me. Right ow I am feeling a bit guilty, because when I went back and reread the e-mail, she really wasn't attacking me. She was simply letting me know something that was bothering her in a very tactful and respectful way. And me being the person that I am right now, totally took it wrong. Even her follow-up e-mail to my snide response was very nice and respectful. Grrr! I hate myself at times like this. So, I will be taking my big huge foot out of my big huge mouth and apologizing to her momentarily.
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